JY1K Night – Hockey. Winning. Sports. Victory. Freedom. Exceptionalism. Thumbs all the way up.
The 1991 Buick Regal – It was a dark year, and the people of the world were losing hope. War, famine, and disease were spreading across the globe. Could anything save our planet? Would we make it to the millennium? Then Buick changed the course of history. They released the greatest car that ever had or ever would grace this beautiful world: the 1991 Buick Regal. The plush interior, the stunning shag-carpeted trunk, the ashtrays inside of the doors: it was the perfect car. Whenever a Regal rolled down the street, you could hear the gasps, the sighs, and the cries of pure ecstasy. If you drove a Regal you were the man of the town, the king of all kings. But now the days of the Regal have faded, the brakes have all failed, the paint has all rusted, and the cigarette lighters have all broken. You were one of a kind, 1991 Buick Regal, one of a kind. RIP.
People Using Study Rooms – You’re walking down the hall, looking into room after room filled with studying fools. Reaching the end of the hall, you realize that there isn’t one single study room open for you to use. Cursing, you toss your backpack to the floor. Don’t you rapscallions realize that this world was made for me? If I want to take up an entire group study room by myself, then I should be allowed to do that. I’m special, you ingrates. Your face red and soaked in sweat, you walk away dejected, forced to sit at a peasant desk.
Wispy Moustaches – You can’t grow facial hair, pal, accept it. Your moustache makes you look like a degenerate who stands on the corner watching all the girls go by. It’s creepy and you should shave it. Maybe someday you’ll be able to grow real facial hair, but now is not that day.
Negative People – What a bunch of fools who deserve nothing but misery and pain until the end of their days. How much of a self-absorbed jerk do you have to be to spend all your time complaining about how much you hate things and people? I hate that so much.
Things and People – Yup.
Self-Consciousness – Everyone on the planet has something they dislike about themselves. Fat? Weak? Ugly? Stupid? Whatever your thing is, it bothers you every day, and it’s going to keep bothering you until you die, unless you stop obsessing about it and live life like you don’t care, that is.
Featured Image by Breck Wills / Heights Senior Staff