Christmas Sweaters and a Firestorm of Fury

Storm clouds move over the San Francisco skyline Wednesday, Feb. 17, 2016. After three days of record-breaking heat, a cold front from Oregon brought high winds and rain to Northern California, Wednesday with strong gusts in the San Francisco Bay Area. (AP Photo/Ben Margot)

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Christmas Sweater Bargains – Snatching up a $5 Boston College Christmas sweater from the Bookstore is the smartest thing you can do right now. In 10 months you’re going to be sitting back and laughing at those poor fools paying $30 for the same sweater. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You’ve won my friend, you’ve won.

Delightful – Whenever someone asks you to describe something (your feelings, a television show, a class) say that it’s delightful. Be sure to speak in a very monotone voice and maybe add the word “absolutely” or “positively” beforehand. Do not smile or laugh when you say this. No one will be quite sure how to react.

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People who Chew Gum in the Library – You sound like a toothless old hag trying to gnaw her way through a bucket of sweet potatoes. The fleshy, moist sound of your chewing is making everyone around you want to vomit. How clueless do you have to be to not realize how disgusting you sound? Some of us are trying to finish writing our manifestos, you brainless gum-chewing heathen.

Standing in the Middle of the Hallway and Having a Conversation – MOVE. There are so many places on this campus where you can stand around like a braindead jackwagon and talk with your equally stupid friend about what must surely be unbelievably stupid things. An entire student body is trying to walk around you and you don’t even seem to notice. Next time this happens, we’re just going to lower a shoulder and drop your sorry self to the ground.

Wearing a Baseball Cap in the Plex – What the hell is that supposed to be? Some sort of statement? What possible reason could you have for wearing a baseball cap inside the Plex? Does the elastic absorb the sweat from your pulse-pounding, muscle-ripping workout? You look like a fool with no sense of place or self. You’re working out inside a hot, sweat-stained gym. There are exactly zero reasons to wear a baseball cap. Go stand in the corner until you learn your lesson.

Dancing Like Nobody’s Watching – People are watching and you’re making a fool of yourself. Develop a sense of shame, for God’s sake.

The Word “Juxtapose” – In our recent observances, it seems like people think using this word in class discussion makes them look smarter. It doesn’t. It makes you look like you heard someone else use it once.\

Featured Image by Ben Margot / AP Photo

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