Arnold Palmer – The drink, not the golfer. Toss in a little tea, a little lemonade, and a whole lot of freedom. Think of the lives Palmer has touched with this simple, yet oh-so-beautiful, concoction. It brings a tear to our eyes just thinking of it. And by “our,” I am referring to the collective alien conscious from the planet Bueskytter that writes these thumb-tastic little thingies.
Thumbing Your Nose at People- While this is a somewhat common idiom, what we’re referring to here is literally placing your thumb against your nose and then staring at people. No one will have any idea what you’re doing. Often this leads to new friendships and great conversations.
Subservience Toward your Alien Betters – Clearly your best option.
Earwax – While probing the cavernous tunnel of your inner ear with a pinkie, you suddenly discover that your ear is filled with a disgusting, sticky, yellowish substance packed against your supple hearing-skin like gunpowder in a musket. Removing your finger, you stare at the filth that has accumulated on it. You think about that last sentence and realize you are a disgusting animal. In a fit of cleanly fury, you sprint to CVS in search of an ear wax cleaning kit.
A Rumbling Stomach – On the topic of things your body does wrong. One of the most uncomfortably embarrassing moments known to the indigenous college student is sitting in a quiet classroom surrounded by your peers while your stomach rumbles like a bloodthirsty saber-toothed tiger. No amount of contorting and squirming will make it stop. You can only cough so many times. Your only option is to live in the awkwardness, to make it your home, to revel in the essence of discomfort.
Trying to go to Sleep Early on the Weekend – For once in your miserable life, you decide to be responsible, to take control and be the ultra-efficient machine that you know you can be. It’s Friday night and you’re going to get in your bed and drift away to dreamland at 10 p.m. on the dot. Then you’ll rise bright and early, take a run along the Reservoir as the sun peeks over the trees, take care of all your papers and homework, reconcile with your long-lost love, and save a small hamster from asphyxiation. You’ll be the hero Chestnut Hill needs. You feel the sweet tug of sleep. Next thing you know Neil Diamond is singing “America” while you and your kindergarten class sail on a small tugboat toward the Statue of Liberty. But no! There’s a hole in the tugboat and under that hole is your great-uncle Gerald with a bloody steak knife, screaming, “Shut up and dance with me.” What? You wake up confused and terrified. Then you hear the music from the room next door. Groaning, you lay in your bed covered in sweat for 17 hours, unable to sleep a single minute.
Resisting Your Alien Overlords – It’s futile.
Featured Image by Dan Joling / AP Photo