After bugging McElroy 113 and discovering shady dealings relating to a Girl Scout cookies black market, University Spokesman Zack Bunn arranged a takeover of The Heights, making the once-independent newspaper dependent. The newspaper’s entire budget will be supplied by the school, and due to the now-stronger-than-ever ties to the BC administration, the news will always be presented in an overwhelmingly chipper way.
“Finally, no one has to read anything they don’t wanna read,” Bunn said. “I just thought, ‘O-for the ACC’? That doesn’t make people happy at all! You can at least put a smiley face in the zero—those kids tried their best!”
Bunn, who threatened a defamation lawsuit because of an unflattering portrayal in 2015’s Best Picture winner Lowlights—a movie that definitely would not make you cry and totally did not showcase the horrors of sexual abuse by priests—is focused on giving BC the best image it can have.
“There are so many bad things happening out in the world: Twitter feuds between Kim Kardashian and Chloe Grace Moretz, Jacob Tremblay getting snubbed at the Oscars (he didn’t even get nominated! He’s a prodigy!), and Ebola, still, probably,” Bunn said. “This is the best university in the world! No place in the whole universe is better and nothing bad ever happens here! In fact, we might change the name of The Heights to something better—it’s just not high enough!”
With the switch, the 41 members of The Heights’ editorial board will be laid off, not like they ever got paid anyway (“No money involved? Why did they even do this job—just for the satisfaction of objective reporting and journalistic ethics?” Bunn mused to himself in front of a microphone so everyone could hear). Bunn is currently seeking writers to fill their places, particularly a sports editor who will be eternally on football head coach Stan Carvaggio’s good side, and an arts team that “actually understands tha theatah [sic].” Bunn is also looking out for copy editors who can proofread articles for differing, controversial, and straight-up-true-but-maybe-not-nice opinions about BC and quickly splice them out.
“Any team that loses will not be listed as losing—it just had a lower score than the winner,” Bunn said. “Our Title IX investigation may have happened, but it wasn’t as bad as other schools’. It’s all about putting a positive and subjective spin on the news. We’re all Eagles here, after all!”
At press time, the aforementioned 41 editorial board members were preparing applications to transfer to Syracuse University. “This would never happen at The Daily Orange,” they said in an email.
Other students were not as distraught. “It’s not like we knew The Heights was independent before,” one student, Dolores Meany, said. “We just thought they were being super rude about the news!”
The first article of Highest Heights is anticipated to explain the change of power and departure of objective student writers with an article on A1, featuring the headline “41 Heights Editors Leave Newspaper, Just Got Tired, Nothing Bad To See Here,” written, of course, by Zack Bunn.
*This story is part of The Depths, a collection of humorous, fictional portrayals of campus life, written in the spirit of April Fools’ Day. Some names of “sources” have been changed to maintain ambiguity and humor.