The Electric Kool-Aid Thumb Test

Thumbs Up

Mike Lupica – Sometimes you’re just sitting at your desk, thinking about things to write for your thumbs up/thumbs down column, when best-selling sportswriter and BC alumnus Mike Lupica walks in and shakes your hand. Seriously. He wrote for this paper years ago and randomly stopped by this week. I don’t even care about maintaining the second-person voice thing for this. It was one of the most unexpected moments I’ve ever experienced.

Strolling – Walking is for your average chump. Pacing is for the neurotic consumed with thoughts and responsibilities. Promenading is for an overweight man in a flowing robe. But strolling is something entirely different. The casual stroll is for the profound and awe-inspiring. When you’re really getting your stroll on, everyone will know it. They’ll say, “Now that’s a go-getter if I’ve ever seen one, someone who knows what life’s all about, you know what I’m saying, Veronica?” Yes, Veronica knows exactly what you’re saying.

Read Receipts – These prove that you’re an honest and trustworthy human being. Letting your many acquaintances, companions, and school chums know that you’ve read and carefully considered their message of text is the best step to establishing trust. It can also be used to blatantly dismiss and insult people. Yes, I did read your message and frankly, it didn’t impress me enough to warrant a response. Come back when you have something important to say. Snort.

Thumbs Down

Back Sweat – Lugging around a backpack during a humid day often leads to a thick layer of moisture stretching from in between your shoulder blades to your entire back. It’s gross, and you can’t escape it. Even when you stop sweating, its cold, clammy touch constantly reminds you of its presence. You are forced to live out the rest of the day as a disgusting, sweaty mess, ashamed of your many failures.

Forgetting the ‘Works Cited’ Page – When you turned in that 10-page paper on the pre-colonial development of post-revolutionary trigonometry, you were sure you’d just secured yourself a big, fat A. Now you’re just sitting in your room eating bags upon bags of generic poofy chips and watching election coverage. But then you realize something horrible. You grab your laptop and open the file. No works cited page. Nothing. Not a single source documented. You fool. The points are already lost, child. You’ve failed everyone.

Forgetting Things – There’s nothing more frustrating than crossing campus, backpack over your shoulders and Clint Eastwood-esque expression on your face, prepared to deal with some bidness. But then you arrive at your destination, reach into your backpack, and realize that you’ve forgotten the most important thing of all: the mayonnaise. Now you’re going to have to walk all the way back to your room because there’s no way to take care of bidness if you don’t have the mayonnaise.

Featured Image by Chuck Miller / AP Photo

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