Sauces – Rule number one of the sauce: It must be pronounced sowce. As in “look at that sow in the field” and “look at that sssssss also in that same field.” If you fail to pronounce it in precisely this manner you are disappointing your forefathers who struggled for millennia to secure various sauces for your tasting pleasure. When you stroll up into a cafeteria, showing off your new silver tank top and green-brown semi-bleached capris, walk straight up to whoever’s in charge and say, “I must have my sowces.” This phrase will trigger an immediate response and you will be provided with all the sauces you require.
Getting Really Weird About that Time You Put BBQ Sauce on Your Chicken Tenders – It’s a pretty simple experience, really. Barbecue sauce is good on chicken tenders. But sometimes there’s nothing better than getting real weird. Trust me. I’m your friend. Shhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Reading Really Long Books in Public – Sitting on a bench, crossing your legs, and popping open a copy of some 800-page word-vomit is always quite the thrill ride. “Wow, that’s a long book,” admirers will say. “You’re just reading that for fun?” “Of course,” you reply, sneering. “I read long books all the time because I’m better than you.” Most of the time these people get very quiet and walk away, but don’t worry, that’s just because they’re too in awe of you and your specialness.
Seeing People You Know From a Long Distance Away – The second you spot that face, you feel a knot form in your stomach. This is a person you know, a friend even, and now you must interact. Social protocol dictates some sort of response to their presence. Maybe if you stare straight up at Gasson he’ll think you didn’t see him and were just too engrossed in collegiate gothic architecture to notice the world around you. But no. Your eyes have just met. He knows you know. And now you know he knows you know. You’re close now. The sweat is forming on your forehead. You see him smile. Attempting to return the friendly look, you grimace, giving everyone the impression that a sudden bout of gastrointestinal pain has just hit you. “Hey, what’s going on?” he says. “Good,” you scream back. You lower your head and barrel forward. Two minutes later you vomit violently into a bush.
Enthusiasm – Don’t get the thumb-meister wrong here, sometimes enthusiasm is great. I would never, ever, ever want you to get the thumb-meister wrong. He is the meister of thumbs and should not be misinterpreted. His words are the words of the thumb. His thumb is the thumb that thumbs all the thumbs … … … … … but, yeah, enthusiasm. Sometimes people talk too much and with way too much excitement. Tone it down a little, some of us resent your happiness.
Featured Image by Michael W. Dulane / AP Photo