The Horrors of Laundry: A TU/TD Hygiene Report

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Slipping into First Person – TU/TD is meant to be an entity of supreme connection, a joining force that unites humanity around one 500-word list. But sometimes, I like to sprinkle a little perspective shift. You’ve always enjoyed perspective shift. We once shifted perspective repeatedly in a TU/TD just because we could and we couldn’t think of anything interesting happening on campus to write about instead. I always hate it when people do dumb stuff like that.

Cutting Your Nose off to Spite  Your Face – There’s nothing we here at TU/TD love more than folksy truisms and being horrible people. Ah yes, spite and bitterness, our bread and butter. Also, if you happen to have nasal issues, it’s always nice to consider lopping that olfactory little nub right off of there.

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Laundry Prices – One month ago we walked into the laundry room, a bag of horribly stained field jackets slung over our shoulders, and saw that the washing machine now cost $1.75 instead of last year’s $1.50. Tossing the bag out the nearest window in outrage, we raised our fists in the air and cursed the powers that have added a quarter to our bi-semesterly laundry costs. The injustice! How can someone possibly expect us to pay a reasonable amount of money for a service? As disgusted screams came from beneath the open window, we vowed to fight the laundry subjugation. “Oh my God, what is that—jambalaya?” someone yelled as the smell wafted up toward the window. Never again would we pay that extra quarter to clean our soiled drawers. Instead we will wear those drawers proudly in defiance of the laundry-monsters that try to keep us down. They may take our dignity, but they shall never take—OUR QUARTERS!

“Going Off That” – Sometimes a phrase becomes so overused that it starts to feel like a poke in the eyeball every time we hear it. There’s no need to chain your point to the one before it with this little disclaimer. Just say things. Or come up with a better opening line. Personally, we’ve always preferred, “Just to toss a saddle on that last point, jump up on it, and ride that sucker to kingdom come.” After that opening, you can say anything you like and it’ll sound great. Trust us.

Runny Noses – Going off that last Thumbs Down, runny noses are the worst: constantly running to find a tissue, feeling the gradual build-up of pressure in your sinuses, talking like some sort of ’90s sitcom nerd. I just wish there was a good way to spite my face that would also address these nasal problems of mine in some horribly misguided way. Whoops, I mean “we” just wish. Slipped for a second. Oh wait.

Featured Image by Kelsey McGee / Heights Editor

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