Back to School Guide: Golden Thrones When the digestive system strikes, here are the cleanest, quietest, and all around best places on campus for a quick pit stop.

When the digestive system strikes, here are the best places on campus for a quick pit stop.

Higgins

Clean, efficient, convenient—it may not be directly in the center of campus, but a quick stroll to Higgins and you can take full advantage of the exceptionally clean and well-lighted bathroom, one of the few in this cruel world that doesn’t fill us with fears of fungal infection. It’s low-traffic and pleasant, a special refuge for the classy Eagle in need of bladder relief.

Stokes North

Some drawbacks must be presented upfront. Stokes toilets are all automatic flush. This is a posh and proper bathroom guide, so we’ll refrain from explaining why automatic flush toilets are a disaster, but they are. Trust us and our extensive bathroom experience. Drawback Two: Stokes is full of people from about 9 in the morning until 6 at night. Consequently, the bathrooms overflow with professors and peers that you have seen in class minutes earlier, leading to painfully uncomfortable moments. That is why the true bathroom pro uses the Stokes North bathrooms on the upper floors. Around the corner and out of sight of the rabble congregating by the Chocolate Bar’s, these are your best bet.

Lower

This one is all about the unconventional bathroom experience. Lower’s first floor bathroom has a strange, almost Shining-esque charm. The tiles—floor to wall—are all black. It’s like entering an inverse dreamscape bathroom. It’s not the cleanest, or the least crowded, or the most convenient, but it is the most interesting.

Devlin

This is the go-to bathroom for a busy student on the go. Out of the four quad buildings, Devlin has the least traffic. It makes the first-floor bathroom the best stop. Keep this in mind, as you’re crossing campus, searching desperately for a bathroom that isn’t teeming with sweaty students.

O’Neill Fifth Floor

O’Neill isn’t the best building on campus when it comes to bathrooms, but during a late-night study session you probably won’t want to venture out of the building. Remember that the fourth floor of has small and unwelcoming bathroom facilities, while the fifth has a spacious and pleasant alternative. Yes, it’s one more flight of stairs to climb, but it’s worth it.

Maloney First Floor (Hillside)

You probably use the Maloney elevators multiple times a day, but did you ever realize that there’s a bathroom behind them? Like a hidden treasure, this bathroom is almost always empty and remains unsullied by the dirty boots and disgusting bathroom habits of the crowd. Afterward, you can get on one of the elevator through the back door, bypassing the mass of people waiting around the other side.

2150 First Floor

Surprisingly, this ultra-exclusive dormitory has a first floor bathroom open to the public. During the day, you can cut in and mingle with the seniors is this brand spanking new shiny cornucopia of bathroom goodness.

Bathrooms to Avoid

The majority of this list is devoted to the ideal bathrooms, but a brief moment should be devoted to the dark spots, devoid of the cleansing light of well-designed bathrooms. Eagle’s Nest bathrooms, Bapst basement, Lyons basement, Mac third floor, and Carney. These places are gross and smelly and should be avoided at all costs. If you want to keep your sanity while fulfilling the undignified requirements of human existence, chose one of the quality places listed above.

Featured Image by Meg Dolan / Heights Editor

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About Archer Parquette

Archer is the features editor for The Heights. He has written, writes, and plans to continue writing stuff. His life is fascinating and electrifying, full of boundless horizons, tentacled beasts of the night, and countless hours spent staring into the watery void and contemplating the end of all things. Sometimes he eats muffins.