NCAA President Mark Emmert announced on Wednesday that the organization would provide complimentary toilet paper in the dorm rooms of collegiate athletes.

*This story is part of The Depths, a collection of humorous, fictional portrayals of campus life, written in the spirit of April Fools’ Day. Some names of “sources” have been changed to maintain ambiguity and humor.

The BC football and men’s basketball coaches received a big surprise this week, learning their last-place finishes in the ACC would result in 0 draft picks.

Nestled between the mop used to clean the floor last night and a few dirty buckets, a cultural treasure can be found in the first-floor maintenance closet of Devlin Hall.

After a long day of classes and aggressively punctuated texts from his mom, Jake Paniniterini, CSOM ’19, walked into McElroy Commons and sat down to read the latest issue of The Heights.

Ross Jordan, MCAS ’19, was admitted to St. Elizabeth’s for a psychological evaluation after not declaring that his life was changed by his Appa experience.

The Heights regrets any harm caused by the fictional Boloco story.

Mary DuPont, MCAS ’18, stunned onlookers when she swiftly flew up to heaven after completing the last four hours at her PULSE placement.