Dear Thomas and Olivia, or “Tolivia,” if I may,
Congratulations on winning the Undergraduate Government of Boston College (UGBC). Just to be safe, I demand a recount and a trial by combat. Just kidding, carry on. I’m hoping we can cultivate an honest dialogue here, so I should let you know that I didn’t vote for you, or anyone else, due to my well-known distrust of non punch-card elections.
Enough lollygagging, though, let’s get to it. Student opinion toward UGBC seems to have reached an all-time eye roll. When was the last time you heard someone express love, respect, or even a deep-seated fear of our elected student overlords? Probably not since one of them got behind the wheel of a car at night. Your campaign platform of “advocate,” “unite,” and “improve” is beautifully generic—like a promise carved on a plaque below the name of a bad orthodontist—but you could strive for far greater verbs than those. I urge you to reach for the stars and crush all who get in your way: assail, divide, and destroy your way into BC lore. Make an impact on something other than your resumes. Luckily for you, I’ve got a plan all figured out.
Step One: Quietly build up a goonish but loyal militia. This one’s pretty simple—when push comes to shove, you might need a bit of muscle. I’d start by recruiting the bouncers from Mary Ann’s. Get some hefty guys that had to quit football because of concussions or dudes that got cut because they weren’t tough enough to play for Steve Addazio. Then ring up some of the fine young men from the 2011-12 and 2012-13 Boston University hockey teams.
Step Two: Establish a network to produce viral propaganda. Hire Sean Casey and the Mod of Cards crew to create top-notch videos. Get a bunch of freshmen to run riot on Yik Yak. Ask BC Bop to write you a heart-shaking anthem. Please throw me and the good folks over at the New England Classic a bribe or two. I’ll write anything, and you can pay me in Moogy’s.
Step Three: Make Hawaiian shirt Fridays happen. Could be a swell time for everyone.
Step Four: Dissolve the Student Assembly (SA). I’ve always thought ants and bees are on to something when it comes to structuring a government. No discussion, no problem. The SA is like a F’real milkshake. Sure, you could have one, but you could also not have one. Life would go on.
Step Five: Silence all opposition. At this point, you’ve definitely upset a few people (probably because they weren’t prepared for Hawaiian shirt Fridays). Just unfriend or block them.
Step Six: Take control. With an anonymous tip, alert the BCPD that a brazen gang of freshmen hooligans are smoking weed sticks and drinking beers on the Newton field hockey pitch. Then, narc on every party off campus. That should scatter at least three quarters of the force. Take advantage of the chaos and, quickly move to step seven.
Step Seven: Seize Gasson and make it your command fortress. Construct a blatantly evil throne out of obsidian rock. Lounge on it all day long. Pass brutal judgement on freshmen and sophomores. Use your militia to enforce a strict curfew, and arbitrarily burn down a mod or two.
Step Eight: Disband Tolivia. Olivia, wait until Thomas falls asleep. Then put him in a box and sign him up for that one-way trip to Mars. You’ll need to act quickly to pull this off, but why share the power? Should Thomas really be the one who always gets to sit on the throne? Haven’t you worked just as hard as he has? I’ve never heard of a king ant or a king bee.
Step Nine: Do whatever you want. Accomplish the ideas outlined in your platform. The “Party Rights” guide and “What Club Are You?” survey sound useful if a bit gimmicky, but spotlighting sexual assault and creating a mental health awareness program are definitely achievable goals worth pursuing.
Good luck. Once you acquire an empire, make it a nice place to live. And don’t get bogged down in self-seriousness.
P.S. Sorry about the coup, Thomas. Just had to be done. Enjoy Mars.