Michael Sullivan: In a stunning twist of events, the Boston College administration has decided to honor benefactor Robert J. Morrissey, BC ‘60, by adding his name to the College of Arts and Sciences.
Archer Parquette: Hmm, I don’t know if I like that.
MS: Me either, Archer. It seems like BC missed out on a few golden opportunities to give this great distinction to some other worthy recipients here in Chestnut Hill.
AP: I know what you mean, young Mr. Sullivan. Personally, I believe all names are artificial constructs of a overly-structured and ultimately futile world where chaos reigns supreme. But, you know, like, there’s totally some cool names we could pick.
MS: Absolutely, you cheeky son of a bitch. BC has had thousands of notable alumni, benefactors, and related peoples that could easily get this spot. (No offense to you, Bob. Thanks for the cash.)
AP: Indeed, the options are limitless.
MS: Here are our possible choices for alternate people that BC could have chosen to be given the namesake for the College of Arts and Sciences:
Amy Poehler: Every BC student and alumni would tell you that, despite all the rumors, no degree in A&S is more difficult to attain that the coveted Masters of Sex diploma. Only one has ever been successful. Lets give her a rightful award for such an achievement.
Chuck Hogan: As the successful novelist behind titles including Prince of Thieves (adapted by Ben Affleck into the film The Town) and The Strain, Chuck gives us all hope that our A&S degrees will lead to a life of success and fulfillment instead of one of desperate job-hunting and constant anxiety. I think everyone facing the dark and terrifying abyss that is the real world could use a little boost of that hopeful optimism. (Note : If you haven’t heard of Chuck Hogan, you should be ashamed of yourself).
Bob Ryan: Shoutout to a former writer for The Heights’ sports section! As one of BC’s most distinguished, intelligent, and dedicated graduates, the administration should be humbled, nay, grateful to bestow the A&S name upon him. (Can I have a job at The Boston Globe now, Bob?)
Elisabeth Hasselbeck: Some people say that the most important things in life are immaterial. They are found in faith, love, family, and all the other meaningful and virtuous things. We disagree, the most important thing in life is being on TV! No BC alum has mastered the art of gracing TV screens across the planet quite like the vociferously liberal queen of Fox and Friends, Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
John F. Kennedy: He’s from Massachusetts, went to college at some rinky dink institution 20 minutes north of here, once gave a commencement address at BC, and we’ve heard he’s pretty much the patron St. of the Irish Catholic. So, yaknow, close enough.
Doug Flutie: From the Ultimate Dude, Steve Addazio, to the respectfully big boned B.J. Raji, plenty of Eagles have soared to greatness on the gridiron. But none have been more famous at doing so than legendary BC quarterback Doug Flutie, who put the school on the map 30 years ago with his famous Hail Mary pass to Gerard Phelan to beat the University of Miami. And now, thanks to him, we have his wonderful nephew, Troy, to lead BC to, err, seven wins (maybe).
John Kerry: Hats off to the alumnus who has reached the highest political office of any BC graduate! Secretary of State Kerry gave an excellent speech to last year’s graduating class about following Jesuit traditions in life. So lets follow in the tradition established by countless other institutions by naming the school after a Washington politician who has done little serious work to show he’s actually earned that honor. As an added bonus, we’re pretty sure he keeps his emails on a government server.
Johnny Gaudreau: Last season, Johnny Hockey notched the Hobey Baker Award by lighting up the opposition with 80 points, easily the most in the NCAA. And what better way to encourage A&S students then by naming it after a person who didn’t graduate by leaving early to pursue an entertaining and lucrative career as a professional hockey player instead of being left wandering on Commonwealth Ave. wondering what the hell to do with an English degree?
Marty Walsh: Like a freshman who entered A&S with aspirations to perform surgery, took chemistry and realized that he or she wished they were in CSOM instead, Mayor Walsh flip-flopped on his support for the Boston 2024 Olympics. It only makes sense that the WCAS ‘09 graduate should be given this honor. Maybe if BC does, then Walsh will commit bring events to Alumni Stadium and Conte Forum.
Rev. William P. Leahy, S.J.: Because if we were in a position with this much power, there’s no way we wouldn’t name it after ourselves. In fact, we would wholeheartedly support Fr. Leahy if he decided to rename every college, hall, and athletics building after himself.