Yesterday morning, whilst wasting our summers away either at work or watching Glee (guess which one was doing which), we gallivanted onto Twitter to discover a cryptic tweet from Boston College Athletics.
— BC Eagles (@BCEagles) June 28, 2016
Said tweet then appeared on @BCFootballNews, @BCHoopNews, and @BCHockeyNews. Same exact tweet. All together. Within the span of 10 seconds. Clearly, there’s something going on here with BC Athletics. What could it be? Also, what’s up with the grammar in this? That comma is incredibly misplaced. Why is BC Athletics directly addressing news? Also, why is the first letter of this sentence not capitalized? Why is this so hip nowadays? This is some Da Vinci Code s—t. Anyway, we’ve got some ideas.
Getting Rid of the Sesame Pretzels: God these things are awful. Who puts sesame seeds on a pretzel? As if BC Athletics isn’t already a running gag, could you imagine what would happen if the national press finds out that the Conte Forum concessions actually refuses to put salt on a staple stadium snack which literally requires salt? (And some mustard or cinnamon sugar.) It would be a huge announcement if BC actually were able to realize that sesame seeds don’t belong on a twisted piece of baked German goodness.
New Reality Show Starring Student-Athletes: Coming July 1 to a local-access TV station near you, the darlings of BC Athletics take on the challenges of summer. Who has a job? Who’s practicing for the Olympics? Who’s living on campus and, in the case of some of BC’s teams, who is running away, never to return (the list goes on and on)? BC Athletics said it itself: news is old. Why watch it being reported if you can watch them living it? At least it’ll give BC Athletics an opportunity to be on local television (looking at you, NESN).
New Uniforms and Logo: Honestly, this is probably the most likely scenario. A new color scheme, or a new design on the BC logo. But what direction could they take? Do they go with a throwback to the yellow and red? Bring in that smiling Eagle that’s saluting? Or, maybe it’s a full-on scrap. New colors, new logo, new mascot. Quick new mascot ideas: the Clam Chowdahs, the B-Line, the Fighting Northern Irish (take that, IRA), or perhaps even Gasson itself in all of its glory (even if Carney is a more accurate representation of the program’s play).
Moving Alumni Stadium and Conte Forum Underground and Off the Grid: You wanted, begged, and cried for new athletic facilities? Well, surprise! As of July 1, the entire athletic department will be living like mole people under the stadium, likely running on life-sized hamster wheels to keep the lights on. No one will be allowed to attend games other than the athletes and opposing teams. What better way to start preparing campus for any sort of disaster by keeping its only moneymakers far away from harm? Consider this BC’s exit from social media. No more emails about that Ireland game you could never afford to go to thousands of miles away!!!
Subtle Dig at The Heights: News. It’s old. As we at The Heights know, most of the time it’s bad news. Maybe this is BC Athletics’s way of saying we suck. Go home, Heights. You’re old, you report the news, and that’s lame.*
*This option also best explains the comma.