The Worst Toasters, the Best Celebrations: TU/TD

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Parades – Parades are just masses of people watching large organized groups walking and sitting on vehicles going irritatingly slowly down a relatively short predetermined path for approximately three miles. But there’s still something so exciting about going to a parade, whether you’re in it or just watching it. What’s really great about parades is that they can celebrate literally anything: There are so many events that are celebrated with parades that increase the happiness and excitement surrounding them. Boston’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade brings everyone together because of the strong Irish identity in the city and creates friendly atmosphere, even if the temperature never grows past the 20s. Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is one of the most celebrated parades, even though it seems contradictory to express gratitude with such extravagance. New Orleans introduces Mardi Gras with weeks of parades and beads and colors and unreasonable superstitions like not being able to pick beads up from the ground. No matter what, whether you’re watching from the side or actually participating in the organized chaos, parades bring people together to celebrate something in undefiled delight (and pretty often drunkenness).

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BC’s toasters – How do you like your toast? Untoasted and warm, or so burnt that you’d break your teeth trying to bite into it? At BC, those are your only options. You put a slice of bread through the toaster three times and its crunchiness barely changes. Now, you have this slice of bread that lies lukewarm and limp on your plate as you stare at it and loath its lack of texture. This resentment for your “toast” will translate to other aspects of your life and at this point, you’re so irritated it will affect you for the rest of your life. Next time, you set the conveyor to go as slow as possible. But then, your bread is only halfway through the toaster when suddenly you see smoke pouring out of all of the openings in the toaster. You scramble to turn the dial that increases the speed of the conveyor so that your toast doesn’t burst into flames, cause the toaster to explode, and the fire alarm in Mac to go off for the third time that week. Then, after the whole building evacuates and they figure out that your burnt toast caused such an irritating inconvenience in everyone’s day, you’ll never eat toast again because of the PTSD it now triggers. No matter what, you will be disappointed in the toasters at BC. But hey, go ahead and try to make toast, what’s the worst that could happen, right?

Featured Graphic by Nicole Chan / Graphics Editor

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