I Need To Stop Talking About Emails: TU/TD

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BC Xfinity – Imagine this: You’re scrolling through BC Movies, then, after 27 minutes and 43 seconds of making your way up and down the short but convenient list of movies, you finally realize the movie that you’re meant to watch. It’s an epiphanic moment for you. So you type it in the search bar, and nothing shows up. But maybe you spelled it wrong? Or the connection isn’t working? So, in a state of rising panic, you scroll through the list one more time, slowly and methodically, looking at each movie title and image so that you’re completely sure you didn’t miss it. But, alas, it’s not there. Skulking around your room, then, while your roommates eye you with concerned suspicion out of the corners of their eyes because this is the first time you’ve emerged from your room in 3 days, and somehow you look like a hobo that was the victim in a brutal pedestrian-bicycle accident, you realize something: Xfinity is available for free for students! Thank goodness—you found it on demand! AND, you can probably watch it off campus, too! You feel like you’re on a cloud with this new realization: You can watch live TV, on demand movies and shows, and even DVR, and you’ll never have to leave your room. Thanks, BC, for giving us not what we want, but what we need.

Gmail Update – The appearance is so much more satisfying to look at than it was before. And you can do more things, too, that are super imperative to maintaining a healthy inbox. Opening attachments without opening the email? Was there something else that you thought Gmail needed update?


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Those people who have thousands of unread emails – I don’t mean when people have thousands of unread emails. My wording is deliberate and clear. I am genuinely giving all of you who do not maintain some order in your inboxes two thumbs down. You can truly tell a lot about a person just by looking at the amount of emails that they haven’t read. I imagine that when cops interrogate criminals and detectives search for clues from all suspects, the first place they look is in their emails. It’s scientifically proven that sustaining an unorganized inbox is a tell-tale sign that the user will commit some heinous crime in his or her lifetime, no matter how unsuspecting of a person he or she is. Definitely trust me on that, don’t look it up.

Painful Pimples – As if it’s not bad enough having a huge-ass zit in the middle of your face, the universe really has something against you and wants to make you suffer. Just when you thought it might have forgotten that you exist and apparently need to be used to provide comic relief for the something observing all of earth, there it goes again. “HA!” The universe says to itself, “I relish watching this pathetic worm struggle through such an underwhelming and awkward social life while stumbling under the weight of an extraordinarily disorganized academic life with this monstrosity on its face! Now, let me make the conspicuous lump painful, too, so the wretched thing never forgets that it’s there.”

Featured Graphic by Anna Tierney / Graphics Editor

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