Student Immediately Ascends to Heaven after PULSE

Mary DuPont, MCAS ’18, stunned onlookers when she swiftly flew up to heaven after completing the last four hours at her PULSE placement. After stepping onto Main Campus from the local homeless shelter, a hole in the sky opened up, and she floated on a cloud until she got to what most Christians believe is paradise.

“I’m not even kidding, when you couldn’t see her anymore there was just a shooting star, like a Disney movie,” witness Sean McGovern, CSOM ’16, said. “God seems pretty corny after that one.”

While some stood in shock, others shouted things like “I knew it! The rapture is upon us!” and “I’m definitely tweeting about this.” All around, there was confusion about the event, but also about who exactly had ascended in such holy fashion.

“This is BC,” McGovern said. “When people started saying, ‘Mary’s floating up to heaven!’ I was like, ‘which one? There are literally 1,000 girls here with the name Mary.’”

Once it was confirmed that it was Mary DuPont who had escaped the suffering of the living to be with her Lord and Savior, The Depths reached out to Bruce Boyardee, DuPont’s recent friend with benefits.

“Wow, I don’t even know what to say,” Boyardee said. “I mean, we weren’t really together, really more like just friends … I guess this is normal for her? I’m single, is what I’m trying to say.”

In an exclusive interview from the Kingdom of God itself, DuPont recounted the journey that led her to Jesus’ house.

“I worked at this really cute little homeless shelter, and it was a major pain in the ass most days despite rarely doing any work, but I guess God thought I did pretty well,” DuPont said.

God, known by many as the lead singer if the Holy Trinity were a band, confirmed DuPont’s beliefs.

“She was such a go-getter and kept doing her eight hours of course-mandated community service like a champ,” He said. “Whenever she needed a snack, she always got Haley House cookies, which is really above and beyond anything I could’ve asked.”

The theology department stated that after DuPont went to heaven, interest in the PULSE program went up 500 percent.

“I might enter myself in the lottery now,” Mickenzie Morrison, LSOE ’17, said. “Only eight hours of community service a week, and I have the opportunity to go to heaven right away? I wouldn’t have to pay my student loans ….”

Other students in the PULSE program took the news as a slight.

“What the hell, God?” Catherine Reynaldo, MCAS ’18, said. “I did so much work for you, and you pick one of the Mary’s to go to heaven? This is not the ethics that they taught us about in PULSE.”

At press time, God said that heaven was currently on a backlog and that the rest of the PULSE students would be processed in 70 years.


*This story is part of The Depths, a collection of humorous, fictional portrayals of campus life, written in the spirit of April Fools’ Day. Some names of “sources” have been changed to maintain ambiguity and humor.