A Terrifying Halloween Edition of TU/TD

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Apple Cider – Only a few days ago, I sat out by the Reservoir, jacket pulled up to protect my neck from the biting fall winds, the smell of pumpkins and rotting corpses in the air. “Fall,” I said. “Nothing quite like an autumnal day.” As I sat on the bench, someone walked up to me and sat down next to me. “Stranger danger,” I said, but instead of yelling it, as one would assume I did, I whispered it in a very quiet and affectionate tone of voice. “Hey there,” this strange person said. “Are you feeling all right? You look a little bit cold. Would you like to try this cup of warm apple cider?” My heart warmed and I took the Styrofoam cup from the stranger. Sipping the cider, I realized that apple cider is the best fall drink of all the fall drinks. It blows pumpkin spice-flavored anything clear out of the water. Drinking my cider, I appreciated the world around me and felt tears coming to my eyes at the beautiful simplicity of sitting outside under a gray sky, looking out at the water, and knowing that everything will be all right. “OK, sir,” the stranger said. “Now I’m going to have to ask you to come with me.” “What’s that?” I said. “It’s all right, sir,” the stranger replied. “It’s all going to be O.K. We’re just going to find you some pants and bring you home.” The stranger pulled me by the arm, wrapped a towel around my waist, and led me away.

Monster Mash – There is one, and only one, king of Halloween music and that is Boris Pickett. Do we know a single one of his songs besides “Monster Mash?” Nope. Does it matter? Not at all. Halloween is the Monster Mash and the Monster Mash is Halloween. If it wasn’t for our crippling insecurity, deathly fear of embarrassment, physical awkwardness, lack of balance, general clumsiness, excessive facial warts, emotional instability, strange and unhealthy obsession with pumpkins that causes us to burst into tears at the sight of every Halloween-decorated home, and, above all, hatred of happiness, we would definitely get up and dance to this wacky Halloween tune.

Evil Twins – They are everywhere. A little-known secret of TU/TD lore: Exactly one year ago, a Heights columnist wrote a column about a Halloween journey to Mike’s Pastry. In that column, his evil twin showed up for only a few lines. In those few lines he made one gesture: The Thumbs Up. GASP. TERROR. AWE. FEAR. REVELATION. This whole time TU/TD was the maniacal ramblings of an evil twin, forecasted by an obscure year-old column as part of a master plan to slowly take over the University. Hahahahahahaha. And now my plan is almost complete. It’s too late to stop me. The clocks have been set to IIII, the laundry machines have been rigged, the vending machines have been sabotaged, and your puny lives are all under The Thumb.

Thumbs Down

Fast Zombies – This is one of the most terrifying Halloween concepts ever. We don’t even like writing about it. Just take a moment to consider how unbelievably horrible it would be if the zombie apocalypse included fast zombies. It would be like the regular zombie apocalypse, but they’d be so freaking faaaaasssssst. Think about it. Fear it.

Featured Image by Breck Wills / Heights Archives

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