Welcome to the second Hater’s Guide, the It’s Not Sad Until He Does It For A Third Time; Why Did My Son Turn Out So Weird special edition.
I know exactly what you’re thinking—“But Connor, we don’t a need a guide to surviving the school year, just give us our #sprots.” A tiger mauled the last person who said that, so unless you want me to release my striped friend from Bengal again, keep quiet and read on.
Back in April, a series of less-than-responsible life choices led to my untimely off-campus basement electrocution. Waking up lightly singed and mildly numb the next morning, I quickly realized the unspoken dangers of electricity. As a servant of the public good, I felt obligated to compose a handy guide to keeping safe and threw some stuff about the World Cup in there because I am, allegedly, still the Sports Editor.
Related: The Hater’s Guide Volume I: Electricity And The World Cup
Since then—among other things—I’ve realized that the world is a wildly dangerous place, and a little help navigating it wouldn’t hurt every now and then. So without further ado and pretentions of quality journalism, I present to you the Hater’s Guide To BC Sports And Literally Surviving The School Year.
DO: Catch a soccer game. BC’s men’s and women’s soccer programs are consistently top-notch and completely underappreciated by the student body. Despite two massive personnel losses, Alison Foley’s women’s squad is 6-1 and gearing up for conference play soon. The men are 3-0-1 and exploding at the seams with attacking talent—at some point this season Ed Kelly is going to figure out exactly how his team plays the best, and when he does, it’s going to be fun to watch. Both teams play physical, flexible soccer, and the individual talent ceiling is high. If you’re hunting for entertainment, you need not search far.
DON’T: Turn a blind eye to the ever-present threat of snakes. According to MASnakes.org, the slippery little bastards live in “fields, forests, wetlands, ponds, lakes, streams, rocky hillsides, farmland, vacant lots, and residential neighborhoods.” AKA, they’re everywhere. That list doesn’t include dorms, but if you think they’re not waiting for the perfect moment to slither out of the shadows, you’re only fooling yourself. MASnakes claims there’s only been one death caused by a snakebite and it happened 200 years ago, but that sounds like a lot of serpent propaganda if you ask me.
DO: Fear for the future. A top-10 USC team is coming to Chestnut Hill next week for a primetime 8 p.m. game, and there’s no sugarcoating it—if Steve Addazio can’t get the run going, it could get ugly out there. Really ugly. Momma doesn’t love you and gives you up for adoption type ugly, I mean, Stanford couldn’t run on USC and Stanford is the Five Guys to BC’s McDonald’s when it comes to running the ball. But hey, it’s Maine the week after.
DON’T: Talk to strangers—people are inherently evil and most will try to steal your wallet, empty your bank account, assume your identity, flee south of the border, find a wife in Honduras, become dissatisfied and take a Honduran mistress, buy a motorcycle, form an unsuccessful ’80s band called Wheelin’ and Dealin’, give up on his dream and return to his wife, and finally get a job working compliance for a small and fiscally irresponsible insurance company. Don’t let that happen again.
DO: Get fired up for hockey season. Think about the season opener on Oct. 4 in times of sadness and times of happiness. Johnny Gaudreau, last year’s Hobey Baker winner, is gone, but BC’s defense is going to be one of the strongest in the country. And Sonny Milano, one of the best prospects in the game is play—crap. Never mind.
DON’T: Forget to eat food. Nutrition is important (or so they say), and if you forget to eat for more than 45 days in a row you will almost definitely die, thus failing to survive this school year and damaging the credibility of this guide.
DO: Bet your life savings on the women’s hockey team winning the National Championship. Pawn your laptop and phone, and maybe even save money up by not eating for 44 days. If you have a car, sell it. Ask your grandma for money, and if she says no, steal some under the cover of darkness. Right now, Katie King Crowley’s team possesses enough attacking talent to conquer Constantinople 10 times over. Emily Field, Andie Anastos, and Haley Skarupa combined for 108 points last year, and Alexandra Carpenter is back to rejoin her teammates after winning an Olympic silver medal with Team USA in Sochi. This team is going places, so now would be a good time to hop on the bandwagon if you’re interested in that sort of thing.
DON’T: Foolishly trust that your coffee will be at a safe drinking temperature right when you get it—unless you enjoy a mouth and throat scorched like a desert in Hell in August.
DO: Mentally prepare yourself for men’s basketball season. It might be another long one. Which is really saying a lot, because last year’s season seemed to stretch on in a twilight zone where BC lost the exact same game 24 times and Steve Donahue slipped steadily into a state of misery that could only be ameliorated by the promise of a about a million dollars to do nothing for a year.
Well, that’s about it. Go out and live life to its fullest. And watch out for the venomous Timber Rattlesnake if you happen to be in a forest with a thick understory. It will be mating this fall.
Featured Image by Jordan Pentaleri / Heights Graphic
