It has been the unfortunate condition of my life that a piece of chocolate occasionally flies into my mouth even when I am minding my own business. It’s unsettling, but this is a cross I must bear.
Once, I was walking down Boylston Street late at night with a friend—just enjoying an innocent stroll—when we suddenly found ourselves sitting in Max Brenner, a Nutella crepe sitting on a plate in front of me.
I’m not paying for this, I thought as the chocolate shoved itself into my mouth. I didn’t even order it.
It’s a tough life I lead—chocolate can’t seem to get enough of me. With the opening of a new Ghirardelli Ice Cream & Chocolate Shop at Faneuil Hall last week, the aggressive dessert is going to great lengths to close in on me.
What are the odds? A mere two years after I start living in the Boston area, the San Francisco-based chocolate company just happens to open its first such shop in New England. Likely story. Before now, the closest Ghirardelli Ice Cream & Chocolate Shop locations were in Chicago and Louisville—a safe distance for a guy like me, constantly threatened by the substance. I could avoid those two distant cities for the rest of my life, perhaps, but now this?
With the new addition at 6 North Market, my friends, we are all at risk. Some of the country’s best scientists and doctors may have convinced the population that Ebola is not the impending doom we believed it was, but the nation faces now a different enemy.
The new Ghirardelli location will be open Sunday through Thursday, 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. and Friday through Saturday 10 a.m. to 11 p.m. With hours like that, I will be forced to avoid Faneuil Hall and the surrounding area for the majority of the week—I will have to seek alternate routes and see to it that I never schedule meetings with friends in the treacherous region of the city, all for my own dietary safety.
Should I go too close to the new shop, I might fall victim to a complimentary piece of Ghirardelli chocolate, or I may find that my very own credit card has turned against me and purchased one of the store’s many offerings.
“Good sir, I beg you to desist,” I will demand of the chocolate as it unwraps itself and collides with my mouth. But vaguely British manners are no match for the onslaught.
Chocolate has plagued my life since the very beginning—it runs in the family. My grandmother and father also have suffered from chocolate’s undying attraction to them. Every year for my grandmother’s birthday, a chocolate cake would appear on the table, insisting that she eat at least two slices. Most nights after dinner, small squares of Ghirardelli chocolate would appear in front of my unassuming father, and they found their way to his mouth in an instant.
Soon, the task fell to me to take on chocolate’s inevitable onslaught. Each Halloween, I would run outside with the other kids, pushing the smallest ones out of the way so that I could be first to face the treachery of a basket of candy, taking it upon myself to suffer through the Kit Kats and the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups that would inevitably find their way into my stomach later that night.
I don’t want anyone to call me a hero for taking this in stride, but I will do absolutely nothing to stop you from praising me beyond the first clause of this sentence.
No doubt, the new Ghirardelli Ice Cream & Chocolate Shop will become a location that few can ignore on their outings to Faneuil Hall. Should you ever require someone to act as a magnet for the chocolate that might otherwise accost you, I hereby volunteer to take your place in the line of fire.
I will endure every chocolate square that the store has to offer, so that the rest of Boston can live free of chocolate-induced fear.
Featured Image – AP Photo / Matthew Mead