Well, folks, it’s official. Hollywood has ruined holidays for everyone.
In a valiant attempt at trying to come up with fresh material for his next major motion picture, director Garry Marshall and his merry band of moviemakers thought it’d be a grand idea to bring yet another celebrity-saturated chick flick to the table—one that already overflows with feel-good romance flicks featuring cringe-worthy plot lines constructed purposely to be as predictable as possible.
The most recent victim in the never-ending saga of holidays whose sanctity and innocence is ruined by the wrath of a crappy rom-com is, of all joyous occasions, Mother’s Day. This Friday, movie theaters across the nation will watch Jennifer Aniston struggle as a single mom of two who just can’t stop criticizing the sizable age gap between her ex-husband and his new girlfriend. Viewers will be treated to Jason Sudeikis awkwardly juggling the responsibility of raising a teenage girl (as expected, the trailer features the comedian caught in an eye-roll inducing “Periods?! What are those?!” kind of moment as his daughter innocently asks him to pick up some feminine products at the store). Meanwhile, Kate Hudson’s character wants to rekindle the relationship with her stubborn mother, and a lonely Julia Roberts sports a pumpkin-colored bob.
I wish I was kidding.
Now, I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m pretty sure my mom didn’t carry me for nine months just to get recognition for her efforts in the form of some crappy dramedy flop—a overstuffed movie rife with stock scenarios that can’t pull its weight farther than 7 percent on Rotten Tomatoes (here’s looking at you, New Year’s Eve). Just sayin’.
I can imagine the writers rifling through their pocket-sized calendars, searching earnestly and to no avail for a holiday that the unforgiving talons of Hollywood have not yet clenched. Valentine’s Day? Nope. Hanukkah? Try again. Christmas? Come on. And while I wouldn’t hold my breath for a Daylight Savings Day rom-com any time soon, I also wouldn’t count it out completely, either.
Every few years, it seems as though the higher-ups in the entertainment industry try to keep things interesting by plaguing the public with a pretty rotten rom-com or a disastrous, star-studded drama. Directors and B-list celebrities must feel obligated to throw a few bad apples into the mix just so film critics have a steady stream of content to complain about.
Or perhaps it’s all about the money they get from starstruck viewers who want to see pop-culture heartthrobs thrown together in a film. “Why not pair Taylor Swift with that werewolf kid from Twilight and make them overwhelmingly vapid high school lovers?” asked a writer in a pitch meeting for the 2010 Marshall film Valentine’s Day. Based on the film’s box office gains to the tune of $216.4 million (as compared to the $52 million budget), at least they made some kind of profit.
“And what better way to do this,” producers and film execs must have tittered over caviar and wildly expensive bottles of carbonated water, “than to make a crappy new movie that appeals to tweens and tabloid lovers alike?”
Ah, the profitability of stardom and sacrificing quality content for Zac Efron cameos—there’s nothing like movie-making the American way. Like the effectiveness of a dried-up glue stick in the construction of a macaroni art masterpiece, family-friendly holiday films try and fail miserably to hold a poorly constructed plot of intersecting stories together.
Now, this is not to say I’ve never enjoyed a warm and fuzzy film like these. Instead, I regard them as a sort of filler for the film world—a nonessential element that Americans definitely don’t need more of, but will gladly take anyway despite it being totally deleterious to their health. See extra whipped cream, tanning beds, and Nicolas Cage movie marathons for examples of what I mean.
My advice for this Mother’s Day? Stick with the breakfast in bed. Treat mom to dinner and an off-Broadway show. Buy a bouquet of fresh flowers, if she likes that sort of thing. But for the love of all things pure and good in this beautiful world, do not take your mom to see Mother’s Day.
Unless, of course, you believe that the sacred bond between mother and child could be strengthened by watching and ridiculing this year’s ridiculous, holiday-driven disaster.
Featured Image By Open Road Films
