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Going Overboard – Get Ready.

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IIII Instead of IV – If you happen to be the type of person who exists within the constraints of time, unlike myself, you probably look at the clock during class. You may have even noticed that instead of IV, the normal Roman numeral for four, the clocks say IIII. Immediately intrigued by this revelation, the TU/TD Underground Retroactive Investigators Needing Endearment team was sent to uncover the truth. This secretive squad of desperately lonely professional investigators in search of love uncovered some juicy information through an investigative technique known as “googling it and clicking on the first link and then none of the other links because who cares about multiple sources, this is Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down, you fools, I AM THE SOURCE.” Long story short: Many clocks, including fancy-pants ones in major American cities, replace IV with IIII, and a definitive explanation for why does not exist. As a result of this endeavor into the depths of hard-hitting investigative journalism, the thumb-meister has concluded that a shadowy group of conspirators has been planting IIIIs in our clocks for years. Boston College must have purchased clocks from this group, presumably at a discount. Now that these mutilated clocks are in our school, all hope is lost. There’s no telling who might be involved in this conspiracy. The evidence clearly points to mind control and historical revisionism. If they can change our Roman numerals, they can change our minds, they can change our hearts, and they can change our souls. Truth becomes subjective. Love becomes control. Freedom becomes chaos. Once our brains are turned into oatmeal by constantly staring at these inexplicably changed Roman numerals, these evil operators will start phase two of the conspiracy: setting all the clocks to Saint Pierre and Miquelon Daylight time. Our minds won’t be able to comprehend the change, and soon we will all believe ourselves to be residents of colonial France. That’s when the real fun starts. Operation Dark Clock will commence: a time of shattered windows, smoky skies, and camouflage bandanas. We will all be forced to watch in horror as Gasson Tower comes crashing down, and black helicopters descend from the clouds to the sound of Mozart’s “Dies Irae.” Fall to your knees and behold the destruction of all you hold dear. Death, thy name is IIII.

Featured Image by Kelsey McGee / Heights Editor