Brief Moments of Silence – In this wild world of embarrassment and loud noises, it’s always good to appreciate 28 words of peaceful, calming text before plunging into a gigantic pool of humiliation pudding.
Falling Asleep While Playing an Instrument – While this may seem like a very specific problem that only really affects a handful of people at this school, all the scientists agree that it is actually an epidemic that should concern us all. You’re sitting in the front row of your weekly band rehearsal, playing along on your clarinet as you always do. The windows and doors are closed in order to prevent any spontaneous fainting that might occur due to unexpected exposure to the coolness levels going on right now. As you jam away like the little rock-chipmunk that you are, you start to feel that irresistible tug toward sleep. You spent too long sitting on your bed, listening to alt-country alone last night. During a brief rest in the music, you slap yourself in the face, but it doesn’t do any good. You start to play again and then … ysuhdfs … ansndjka … BWAAAAAAP. GAAK, GAAAH, PHLLLACKTIC. You sit up, grab the falling clarinet out of midair, snap your neck backward, and knock over your music stand, sending sheets of paper flying around the room. The echo of whatever strange note you just played is still reverberating around the room. Shockwaves run through your chipped tooth. Everyone is staring at you. Instead of facing your embarrassment like a grown-up, you cover your face with your hands, run away, and write a strange little thing in a college newspaper that isn’t under your name because that’s just the type of person you are.
Smiling Insanely to Cover Up Embarrassment – Remember that time you spilled coffee down the entire front of your shirt while walking through Lower? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. LOOK AT HOW WIDE MY SMILE IS AND HOW WELL I’M TAKING THIS CRUSHINGLY EMBARRASSING BLUNDER. I DON’T CARE THAT I’M BEING LAUGHED AT. HEE HEE. Your cheeks nearly split in half as you try to convince the world around you that you have transcended self-consciousness and are a machine of pure unfazed cool, someone that can laugh it all off. “It’s O.K.,” your friend says, grabbing you by the shoulder. “Come on, let’s just go back to your room.” In that moment you are overcome with gratitude for your companion in this life, someone who is there for you and protects you when you’re at your most vulnerable. As you leave the dining hall with your beloved friend, you trip in the doorway, catch the edge of your pants against the doorjamb and tear them clean off. As you fall, you slam into a barista who happens to be walking by, and he spills 17 cups of coffee directly onto you. Rolling around in both metaphorical and literal pain, you see your friend look away, lower his eyes, and then dart off, leaving you alone, pantsless, and soaked in caffeine. “This was supposed to be uplifting, you jackass,” you scream after your friend, as you pull yourself off the ground. “Now it’s just kind of sad. Nice work.”
Negating the Uplifting Part of Stories – Good friends do exist to the best of our knowledge. It seems as though that should be made clear considering the way the last TD ended. The Thumbmeister doesn’t want to totally crush your spirits, just enough so that you’ll be more willing to listen to his warnings about clocks and stuff.
Featured Image by Kelsey McGee / Heights Editor