On Feb. 7, 2014, a movement began. That movement was a LEGO movement.
The Lego Movie, one of the greatest films of all time, was released at what is admittedly a bad time for a film gunning for an Oscar nomination. On the other hand, this is one of the greatest films of all time, where we get to learn what Cloud Cuckoo (yes, that is how that is spelled; no, this is not a trap) Land, Middle Zealand, and the meaning of happiness is. Double-decker couches are a good idea, Batman gets to fly through the sun, and brilliant original music about being an orphan and how everything is awesome are included. There is a unicorn kitten played by Alison Brie.
Subwoofers are used. They are called the dogs.
And yet, old, white, annoying, unintelligent a—hole Oscar voters didn’t think a movie ultimately about the beautiful relationship an insane father has with his pure-of-mind-and-heart young son and the gallantry inherent to the common man was worthy of reward a year later when nominations were announced.
Not even a nomination for a movie that made me cry twice.
It was a slap in the face to America.
They chose Big Hero 6 as the animated feature of the year. I have not seen Big Hero 6. I am sure Big Hero 6 is good—it won an Oscar, Oscar films are always good. 100 percent of the time (do not @ me about that link I don’t care). Oscar voters are never wrong. Let’s take a look at the second sentence of the Wikipedia entry to confirm these suspicions: “After graduating from high school, [Hiro] spends much of his free time participating in illegal robot fights.”
Actually that does sound pretty good.
So maybe The Lego Movie wouldn’t have won, but we’ll never know because, according to THE Academy—what a ridiculous name, why are you the Academy, you watch movies you don’t teach anybody shit—The Boxtrolls (what), How to Train Your Dragon 2 (this is infuriating—a sequel? Go f—k yourself old dudes), Song of the Sea, and The Tale of Princess Kaguya were all better movies than the only true masterpiece of our generation with one exception that we will get to.
That is insanity. The Oscars should be shut down on this mistake alone. But it wasn’t—instead, it was given the opportunity to right this incalculably disastrous crime against humanity. We all deserve second chances right?
Wrong. The Academy doesn’t. Because it screwed up again.
On Feb. 10, 2017, The Lego Batman Movie came out. It was as beautiful as you would think. No Morgan Freeman as a blind prophet named Vetruvius? No problem, here’s Ralph Fiennes (pronounce his name correctly, plebeians) playing Alfred Pennyworth. Here’s Michael Cera playing Dick Grayson. Here is Will Arnett, by far the best Batman of all the Batmans, playing Batman. Here is Rosario Dawson, an American treasure, playing Barbara Gordon. Here is Conan O’Brien playing The Riddler. Here is Zach Galifianakis playing The Joker.
Literally everything you could have ever asked for, and I haven’t even mentioned that Mariah F—king Carey plays Gotham’s mayor for some reason. I didn’t even have to look up who played all those characters. I have it memorized because the movie made me cry laughing from the first voiceover two seconds in until the credits began to run. I even cried from real emotions at one point, which I didn’t think would ever happen again after The Lego Movie touched my soul so deeply and purely.
Apparently I cry a lot when I’m witnessing greatness.
So the Oscars nominated it right? WRONG. The Academy nominated Coco (the eventual winner, I have not seen it but I’ve heard incredible things it sounds extremely deserving), The Boss Baby (take all the sentiment I just laid out in praise of Coco and imagine the complete opposite—that is how I’ve heard people feel about The Boss Baby starring Alec Baldwin), The Breadwinner, Ferdinand, and Loving Vincent instead.
What. The. Hell.
Does the Academy not like abs? Is that what this is about? Is the Academy racist toward Batman’s ninth ab? You know what, I’m done capitalizing it, it doesn’t deserve it. “An academy” can die in the most painful of fires. “An academy” can waltz its way into an icepick to the eye socket. “An academy” can vote its way straight to the pits of hell, where it can watch Crash on an infinite loop.
What is the point of having this group if they can’t identify how incredibly moving and hilarious the homoerotic tension between Batman and The Joker is? Do they hate having gun noises sound like “pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew” If so, each voter is a heartless bastard that I have to hate forever now, because what they have done is WRAONG (say that in Cartman’s voice).
I’ve had enough. America has had enough.
End the Oscars, or reward the LEGO franchise retroactively. There are no other options.
Also throw Over the Hedge a bone that movie holds up really well. The Earth stopped spinning and there was a cheese explosion!
Featured Image by Warner Bros.