Millennials love activism, drones, environmentalism, and earthquake metaphors. What more could they want?
Opinions, Column
Austin Bodetti Is STILL Here
Unfortunately, my columns aren’t especially relatable because I’m both more accomplished and more beautiful than you, but I’m really doing my best here.
Opinions, Op-Ed
Guest Column: Bodetti’s Back
“So many options. So much time. I really underestimated how boring my victory over Mattress Firm would be.”
Opinions, Column
Solving the Greatest Mystery at BC
“That story, though, sounds both highly illegal and slightly racist.”
Opinions, Column
Where Does Rubinoff Come From?
“She did discover, however, Rubi’s opaque ownership—a question that should consume us all, much as the stench of Rubi consumes Boston College on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday evenings.”
Opinions, Column
Will I Finish My Thesis?
“To answer the first, I’ve been busy working on my thesis about the War in Afghanistan, which is going about as well as the War in Afghanistan.”
Opinions, Column
What Does UGBC Do?
“His quotes were extremely long, but my word count is extremely high.”
Opinions, Column
Addressing the Great Plate Caper of 2016
“A reputable investigative reporter would have read those articles in full, but reputable investigative reporters get paid for their work, so I just read the first few paragraphs, then texted some sophomores to buy me lunch because I had worked up a sweat.”
Opinions, Column
Investigating the Russian Math School
“My feud with Russian President Vladimir Putin, to whom I lost a boxing match to the death several years ago, had clouded my usually unparalleled investigative skills.”
Opinions, Column, Featured Column
Mattress Firm’s Name Is Officially Not a Pun
“I don’t know whether it bothered me more that she had used a dictionary against me, her “fine friend;” that she had turned part of the response into a marketing opportunity; or that she used the pun bed-ginning—mediocre at best—after spending an entire paragraph telling me that Mattress Firm wasn’t a pun.”
