"I don’t know whether it bothered me more that she had used a dictionary against me, her “fine friend;” that she had turned part of the response into a marketing opportunity; or that she used the pun bed-ginning—mediocre at best—after spending an entire paragraph telling me that Mattress Firm wasn’t a pun."

"I would have to undertake this journey without any assistance and succeed against all logical expectations, similar to how Donald Trump won the presidency."