Standing before an audience of Boston College students and faculty, Josh Snyder posed the simple yet profound question: What does it mean to be a friend, and what does it mean to forgive one?
“Both friendship and forgiveness are acts of love,” said Snyder, associate professor of the practice in theology and director of the faith, peace, and justice minor. “This means that they are, in fact, acts of fulfillment. We choose to be friends with another person, and if we put trust into that relationship, we can offer forgiveness.”
Snyder offered words of guidance at the final Agape Latte of the semester Wednesday. The event, part of a campus series on faith and reflection, brought the BC community together in Bapst Library for a dinner of deli sandwiches to explore the complex topics of friendship and forgiveness.
“Within every friendship, there will inevitably be conflict,” he said. “How do we navigate this conflict and the hurt that we might cause onto others or that others might cause us? This is why forgiveness is necessary to sustain friendship.”
Snyder explained that friendship and forgiveness share the same moral and emotional roots, requiring humility, trust, and the willingness to see others with dignity.
“For Augustine, friendship is an agreement on things human and divine, combined with goodwill and love,” Snyder said.
From childhood friends to lifelong partners, Snyder explained how he has experienced firsthand the gifts that these connections provide. Growing up, his bonds with siblings and cousins created intimate familial friendships, which Snyder said helped him learn how to navigate conflict.
Snyder reflected on the deepest friendship of his life, one that has shaped him both personally and spiritually: his relationship with his wife.
“For me, the most profound friendship I’ve had has been with my best friend, my life partner and my spouse, Ashley,” Snyder said. “Her love, support, and encouragement has sustained me emotionally and spiritually over our 20-year journey.”
For Snyder, a common thread among his relationships is open communication and a willingness to forgive when things go sideways.
“There are two key moments in the process of forgiveness—decisional forgiveness and emotional forgiveness,” Snyder said. “As an act of will, we make the choice to forgive or not. We’re making a commitment to forgive the one who has harmed us. It is important to verbalize this thing. The decision to forgive, though, does not mean that the emotional pain being wrong magically goes away.”
Emotional forgiveness involves working through lingering pain by empathizing with those who have wronged us and reflecting on our own past mistakes. Forgiveness is not dependent on the wrongdoer’s acceptance. It is instead a journey that the forgiver must take themselves.
Snyder also noted the important difference between forgiveness and reconciliation—choosing to forgive someone does not always have to result in restoring the relationship.
“Forgiving is not the same as forgetting or condoning,” Snyder said. “Unfortunately, some friendships must not remain. Some harms are irreparable. There are many times that I’ve had in my own life where we’ve had to part ways, but we still can choose to forgive, to move on.”
To conclude his talk, Snyder reminded the audience that friendship and forgiveness are intertwined in personal growth and spiritual well-being. By choosing to forgive—even when reconciliation feels impossible—he emphasized how people can open their hearts to others and to God, cultivate empathy, and create space for love.
“The gift of forgiveness frees us from past animosity and hurt,” Snyder said. “It allows us to move forward in a way that we can sustain our life in a fulfilling manner.”
