Women who are both chronically online and slightly annoying have spent the last week enamored with a debate about dating and embarrassment—one that I, as someone who fits squarely in that intersection, have watched with some wariness. 

The Vogue article “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” by Chanté Joseph sparked widespread commentary on social media. 

At first, there was a swell of support—many women joked about how happy they were to be single during this era. In their eyes, this article represents a move toward a world where women do not feel the need to define themselves by their dating status.

This was clearly part of Joseph’s intent. In a TikTok discussing the article, she talks about reevaluating dating in the modern world, where men and women are growing farther apart. This discourse is, in many ways, a reaction to the 2000s-era movie narrative that told women they had to sacrifice their ambitions and independence to be in a relationship.

Obviously, this idea has been critiqued to death, but Joseph offers a glimpse into the real-world consequences of this shift in attitude. In essence, she argues that a new world order is emerging, one where women believe any mention of a relationship with a man is embarrassing. It can feel like giving in to old stereotypes or losing a part of yourself. 

Sophia Milner, a content creator quoted in the article, articulates this feeling well: 

“‘I do notice that we can become more beige and watered-down online when in a relationship—myself included,” Milner said. 

The fear of changing yourself for a relationship seems to be at the forefront of women’s minds. And it has clearly begun to impact our behavior. 

The divide between men and women in our society is growing. Our political beliefs are growing increasingly divergent, and this directly shapes our expectations about what marriage and partnership should look like. Many women have begun to see the act of settling down as a “trap,” one that demands sacrificing part of themselves. 

But there were also a number of women who took the article as some sort of attack on heterosexual relationships as a whole, and countless others felt it simply did not apply to their relationships. 

I believe the article was clearly more about acknowledging a changing trend in women’s thinking than it was about attacking people who are in relationships. 

But this trend can sometimes veer into an attack on what it means to be in a relationship with a man. It assumes that women are willing to lose a part of themselves for something that will never truly make them happy, and it implies that nothing could be worth sacrificing for.

It’s hard to argue against the fact that being in a relationship means sacrifice. Often, you lose a part of yourself, along with some of the freedom you had when you were single. 

Your partner’s behavior can have consequences on your life and vice versa. If all of your friends hate your boyfriend, it will slowly start to change their opinion of you. 

But on the other side of that sacrifice is a deeply human need for partnership—the desire to share your life with someone else, even if it means giving up some of your freedom. In the spirit of honesty, I should admit that I am in a relationship with a man who I consider worth the sacrifice it requires (although, as the article suggests, I’m a little embarrassed to admit this).

There is something inherently valuable about romantic partnerships that I don’t see replicated elsewhere for most people. Of course, some people are able to find connection and fulfillment through platonic relationships, but that isn’t necessarily an easy endeavor. And I wonder how much harder that already difficult endeavor will become as our generation, which spends so much time focusing on protecting our own “peace,” grows older. 

Women’s actions have begun to reflect the rhetoric of the past couple of years. More and more women now believe that the bargain required to be in a relationship is something to be ashamed of, since historically, it was not a fair trade. In that context, having a boyfriend can indeed feel like an embarrassing capitulation to basic desires for connection. 

But are those desires not what make us human? It feels almost silly to be embarrassed about instincts that exist in all of us. The emotional depth that comes from a long-term partnership with another person should not be ignored. 

While women struggle to balance which sacrifices are worthwhile, it is also important to acknowledge the benefits that come from that level of trust and love. This trend of shame and discouragement surrounding boyfriends may come from a valid place, but it risks doing more harm than good.